My life...It never Changes

I feel like I'm at such a low point in my life right now. I went back and read some old posts of mine and it seems like NOTHING EVER changes in my life. It's the same old song and dance with me.

I've always had problems with my mother and yet I still live at home. It seems almost impossible to move out, but then again I see my friends who have been doing it for years now. I tell myself GROW UP. I've been doing things about it though like, I went over to the pizza shop today to get a 2nd job for nights and weekends. They said I came in just enough time, because they were firing someone. Hopefully I hear back from them soon. He said to give him a week.

I also have some debt, but that's all working out. Since I made that last post, I've paid $500 towards my debt and I never did that bank rupsy thing. That was a bad idea. I should have just taken a step back and looked at the person it was coming from. I'm also on a hardship program, so my monthly payments are VERY low. One is only $12, but I plan on paying atleast $50 every month.

School- lol it never ends right...2 weeks ago, I took off half the day to go to the community college and make corrections on my Fafsa. My Dad even signed the paperwork. I called today and they said all the corrections were deleted. How that happens, I have NO IDEA...maybe my Dad did it. He has the biggest grudge on me.

Every day that goes by, I try to do something productive. I'm constantly on the phone with different nursing schools, or CNA programs, or Debt collectors, hardship programs, the military, THE AIR force, Apartments, banks. I'm passed from one operator to the next. My head constantly pounds from not knowing which direction I'm heading for. I'm constantly trying to get my life started or patch things up. Never leaving anything just sit and I'm always trying to do everything at once. Somewhere in the back of my mind is the old confident ME. Somewhere behind the Harsh words that my family tourments me with is good old me.

I tell myself everyday that I'm not such a bad person, but then I go back and read previous posts and think my god when is it ever going to end?

The weekend was rough. I could only give my Mom $50 this week for rent and she really freaked out. I said to her "This is what I have. take it or leave it" I know that I would never get away with that in the real world, but this is what I had to give her. She then started to text message my phone over and over again saying things like how pathedic I am, because my friends just use me. I have no idea where she pulled that from. I actually have some really close friends now in my life. I don't do much hanging out, trying to figure out who my real friends are now a days. Each text message kept hurting me more and more. I kept thinking in my head "oh my goodness I'm 22 years old. why am I still in this situation"? I never text her back. There is no getting through to that woman. I realised that years ago. Within minutes my phone was shut off completely. It made me angry, because I just gave her $67 for the bill last week. It's not all that bad though, because I called verizon today and I'm able to get the phone (same number) in my name and just be done with that whole situation.

I just feel totally hopeless. Never once in my life did I ever think that death would be the way out, but lately my mind has been thinking that way. I think to myself "what if I were in an accident?" I almost hope for it. I have these thoughts while driving with a friend, or walking across the street. My mind should not be thinking things like this. I wonder if it's the same as having thoughts of killing yourself. Only my thoughts are "if there was an accident, then all this pain would go away and it wouldn't be considered suicide, and I'de still be alowd in heaven. I don't want to feel this way anymore. I think moving out would solve everything, but the main reason for my sadness is because I fear what my parents think of me. They think I'm a HORRIBLE person.

I donno

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